Update and Rant

WARNING: the following is a rant. This is not by favorite form of blogging or even of self expression, but it is printed here as it is in my head. You have been warned. There is no need to plow ahead unsuspecting.

Social interactions are a PAIN! examples:

When I meet a new group of people I am SICK of having to think about whether I can expect a confused and cold shoulder when I cannot/will not drink or do other untoward things with them.

I know I really shouldn't see it this way (but maybe I should?) but I am tired of keeping guy friends just a little distant so that they will not think I am interested in them. How am I supposed to interact with a world that sees dating as normal when I know it's not really

I am fed up with being seen as a square. My heroes and those I strive to be like are absolute revolutionaries, and my love of Baha'u'llah is a prize i would never trade, but seeing myself through the eyes of others makes me tired. I feel nothing like a revolutionary some days. I feel old and boring before my time.

I want out of the oppression of age. I met someone recently who refused to tell her age, because she said it was irrelevant. I agree. I want free of the questions that bounce in my head about my good friends who are much younger or older than me.

I hate the trappings of racism in me. I hate what I see when I look honestly at myself and see how much effort it takes to interact with people who are different than me. The fear I still have.

I am so frustrated by the way I judge people. I don't really know how I should respond to friends that drink or do drugs or have sex irresponsibly, but I want to much to believe I really am free of judgement. I want to really convince everyone I know (including me) that this is what I do, this is not what I want for anyone else. that these are my choices, no one Else's...

I am sick of the intellectual exercise that social interaction is for me and if it was not for the craving my soul has for loving and being loved by other wonderful people in the world, I would just quit. But I love people and I can think of no worse fate then not having them around all the time.


I told you this was a rant. Whew! now I feel better.


UPDATE:

I did get the job. They wrote me today and offered a job description for me. Today the universe is just falling in line for me. I am excited about the work I will have, the great community I will be moving into, and the upcoming IPG. Everything seems great. I am very content.