When I was growing up, I had everything a nice middle class kid should: a few years of softball, one of basketball, three or four of soccer, ballet as a preschooler, summer camps in middle school, and music lessons. It was the music lessons I really liked, so I got to have them. Three years in a choir then 10 or so of private lessons in voice and 3 in piano. None of this includes college. In Highschool, I didn't have a lot of friends at times, but I always had that musical outlet. I would practice for hours a day in highschool and everyone was proud when I had my little recitals and such.
What do I carry of this education with me today? Well, I have gained a keen appriciation of music. I love the sound of the human voice and of beautiful melodies, but I was never taught to read music, so I cannot recreate music for others unless I learn with a teacher, by rote. I understand music theory and can tell you all kinds of things about how many flats and sharps there are in cord or the names of parts in italian, but I cannot create music of my own. I learned to imitate the music of masters and to do with my voice exactly what is asked by others, but along with 10 years of striving for perfection, I have lost faith in the beauty of my own voice as it is, without weeks of prep work on a piece.
In short, I have all the ability of a classically trained musician, but there was never a component of service in this education so I cannot write my own music or learn new songs without help or accompany myself or do any of the things that would make music alive for me now. So when the love of beauty my soul has developed arises in me, I have no outlet. I can sing songs I know or learn with a CD, but I have no ability to express myself, only to express the work of others. It's frustrating and stifling.
I see other youth go through this. Ballet dancers that cannot free themselves enough to try the electric slide, or who are unable to learn Salsa or Swing. And other singers, who know nothing but how to regurgitate the art of others.
I am just realizing this about myself and I think soon I will be ready to start unlearning some of the things I have been taught. I think I will find someone soon, a friend perhaps, who will teach me to play the guitar some and I will try to start again and practice the care free attitude we all should have about art and just learn to create. It's time for a re-learning, and this time, I will develop what I can share with others and what will allow me to help create the beauty in the world.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Cold Feet
I live in the future. It's corny, but when I think about this I often think of Yoda repremanding a pre-jedi Luke Skywalker:
"All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless. "
I get my nerd points for the day.
I am always most excited when I am making plans for the future and if you ask me what I have done this week, or today, I have to think before I can give an answer. Often I really have no idea.
I think this is why I have been attached by a sudden and unexplicable anxiety over the last few days: All the sudden I have a plan that I can't argue with and have no reason to change. I have a community I love, ways to be of service both to the Faith and to the community (via this new job) good friends, enough money.
I am terrified by the prospect of settling down. I don't not having an end to the current phase of my life in site has never happened to me before. I still want to see the world. I still want to learn 15 languages and meet all kinds of people. Am I being silly? I'm not sure if what I am really interested in is learning about the world and serving in all kinds of places or if I am just being selfish and I just need to get over it and realize that the place I can make the most impact in the world is here and now.
"All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless. "
I get my nerd points for the day.
I am always most excited when I am making plans for the future and if you ask me what I have done this week, or today, I have to think before I can give an answer. Often I really have no idea.
I think this is why I have been attached by a sudden and unexplicable anxiety over the last few days: All the sudden I have a plan that I can't argue with and have no reason to change. I have a community I love, ways to be of service both to the Faith and to the community (via this new job) good friends, enough money.
I am terrified by the prospect of settling down. I don't not having an end to the current phase of my life in site has never happened to me before. I still want to see the world. I still want to learn 15 languages and meet all kinds of people. Am I being silly? I'm not sure if what I am really interested in is learning about the world and serving in all kinds of places or if I am just being selfish and I just need to get over it and realize that the place I can make the most impact in the world is here and now.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Update and Rant
WARNING: the following is a rant. This is not by favorite form of blogging or even of self expression, but it is printed here as it is in my head. You have been warned. There is no need to plow ahead unsuspecting.
Social interactions are a PAIN! examples:
When I meet a new group of people I am SICK of having to think about whether I can expect a confused and cold shoulder when I cannot/will not drink or do other untoward things with them.
I know I really shouldn't see it this way (but maybe I should?) but I am tired of keeping guy friends just a little distant so that they will not think I am interested in them. How am I supposed to interact with a world that sees dating as normal when I know it's not really
I am fed up with being seen as a square. My heroes and those I strive to be like are absolute revolutionaries, and my love of Baha'u'llah is a prize i would never trade, but seeing myself through the eyes of others makes me tired. I feel nothing like a revolutionary some days. I feel old and boring before my time.
I want out of the oppression of age. I met someone recently who refused to tell her age, because she said it was irrelevant. I agree. I want free of the questions that bounce in my head about my good friends who are much younger or older than me.
I hate the trappings of racism in me. I hate what I see when I look honestly at myself and see how much effort it takes to interact with people who are different than me. The fear I still have.
I am so frustrated by the way I judge people. I don't really know how I should respond to friends that drink or do drugs or have sex irresponsibly, but I want to much to believe I really am free of judgement. I want to really convince everyone I know (including me) that this is what I do, this is not what I want for anyone else. that these are my choices, no one Else's...
I am sick of the intellectual exercise that social interaction is for me and if it was not for the craving my soul has for loving and being loved by other wonderful people in the world, I would just quit. But I love people and I can think of no worse fate then not having them around all the time.
I told you this was a rant. Whew! now I feel better.
UPDATE:
I did get the job. They wrote me today and offered a job description for me. Today the universe is just falling in line for me. I am excited about the work I will have, the great community I will be moving into, and the upcoming IPG. Everything seems great. I am very content.
Social interactions are a PAIN! examples:
When I meet a new group of people I am SICK of having to think about whether I can expect a confused and cold shoulder when I cannot/will not drink or do other untoward things with them.
I know I really shouldn't see it this way (but maybe I should?) but I am tired of keeping guy friends just a little distant so that they will not think I am interested in them. How am I supposed to interact with a world that sees dating as normal when I know it's not really
I am fed up with being seen as a square. My heroes and those I strive to be like are absolute revolutionaries, and my love of Baha'u'llah is a prize i would never trade, but seeing myself through the eyes of others makes me tired. I feel nothing like a revolutionary some days. I feel old and boring before my time.
I want out of the oppression of age. I met someone recently who refused to tell her age, because she said it was irrelevant. I agree. I want free of the questions that bounce in my head about my good friends who are much younger or older than me.
I hate the trappings of racism in me. I hate what I see when I look honestly at myself and see how much effort it takes to interact with people who are different than me. The fear I still have.
I am so frustrated by the way I judge people. I don't really know how I should respond to friends that drink or do drugs or have sex irresponsibly, but I want to much to believe I really am free of judgement. I want to really convince everyone I know (including me) that this is what I do, this is not what I want for anyone else. that these are my choices, no one Else's...
I am sick of the intellectual exercise that social interaction is for me and if it was not for the craving my soul has for loving and being loved by other wonderful people in the world, I would just quit. But I love people and I can think of no worse fate then not having them around all the time.
I told you this was a rant. Whew! now I feel better.
UPDATE:
I did get the job. They wrote me today and offered a job description for me. Today the universe is just falling in line for me. I am excited about the work I will have, the great community I will be moving into, and the upcoming IPG. Everything seems great. I am very content.
Friday, April 20, 2007
New Job :-)
I just had a great interview. It's so ironic that I get bored in life and feel like I am wasting away if I am not making 18 glamorous plans for the future at the same time*, but at the same time I feel so happy and relieved when one of them works out and I know for sure what I will be doing. It puts an end to my dreaming and scheming for a while, but it leaves me feeling less confused and lost in the universe.
(*In my head most of the time: First I'll adopt a kid, unless I go to China first, but if I go to China for a year I should go to Mexico and bum around for a few months first. Maybe I should learn Navajo and go live and pioneer on the rez... Why don't I start a non-profit. I should apply to serve at the holy land and then get a degree in social work....)
So this interview was at this great little school in the South Valley. The South Valley is almost all Spanish speaking, is ridiculously over populated and under developed and as a result, the big high school there has an over 70% dropout rate. I know that's true of the a lot of schools, but I am young and sheltered and naive and that is a crazy statistic for me. 70%?!?! So the only other high school available is this little tiny charter school. 200 students. Service learning magnet. College prep. Same kids, new higher expectations. The teachers run the school completely and work really hard to make it work well. I love this idea. This is exactly the kind of place I want to be associated with.
So I had an interview there today for an educational assistant position. Student advising (which is all hardcore at this school, no one gets sent to the principle, they get sent to their advisor.) substitute teaching, and clerical work. So they were asking all the standard questions blah blah great interview, then the head teacher stopped and he was like, "look: your really kind of over qualified for this position. What is it you want to do here? are you looking to become a teacher? service learning coordinator? What do you want to do? because you will need more in a job than just this." That's a good interview. So I have no idea what the position will look like, but they told me they would consult together and then talk to me about what they could do. They mentioned getting alternative certification and teaching and they mentioned giving me an ESL class right away.
I would love to be able to do less administrative work and to get summers off, but I will have to see if they can offer me that. I think those are some of the core requirements they are looking for, but I really don't know, they do want to create, or at least alter a position for me, so who knows...
Anyways. This is making me happy. The details are still coming, but I know I will be employed next year, I may not make a ton of money, but I will have benefits. I know I will like the organization a lot and that I will get to work with youth again and get out of the office. I know I will be breaking out, to some extent, from the white middle class bubble I am still living in despite making not enough money to be middle class and living in a city that is far more brown than white. I still need to figure out where I am going to live, but that will not be too hard and once I know what my salary will be, I can make that decision with more confidence.
I am happy. I hope they call back soon.....
(*In my head most of the time: First I'll adopt a kid, unless I go to China first, but if I go to China for a year I should go to Mexico and bum around for a few months first. Maybe I should learn Navajo and go live and pioneer on the rez... Why don't I start a non-profit. I should apply to serve at the holy land and then get a degree in social work....)
So this interview was at this great little school in the South Valley. The South Valley is almost all Spanish speaking, is ridiculously over populated and under developed and as a result, the big high school there has an over 70% dropout rate. I know that's true of the a lot of schools, but I am young and sheltered and naive and that is a crazy statistic for me. 70%?!?! So the only other high school available is this little tiny charter school. 200 students. Service learning magnet. College prep. Same kids, new higher expectations. The teachers run the school completely and work really hard to make it work well. I love this idea. This is exactly the kind of place I want to be associated with.
So I had an interview there today for an educational assistant position. Student advising (which is all hardcore at this school, no one gets sent to the principle, they get sent to their advisor.) substitute teaching, and clerical work. So they were asking all the standard questions blah blah great interview, then the head teacher stopped and he was like, "look: your really kind of over qualified for this position. What is it you want to do here? are you looking to become a teacher? service learning coordinator? What do you want to do? because you will need more in a job than just this." That's a good interview. So I have no idea what the position will look like, but they told me they would consult together and then talk to me about what they could do. They mentioned getting alternative certification and teaching and they mentioned giving me an ESL class right away.
I would love to be able to do less administrative work and to get summers off, but I will have to see if they can offer me that. I think those are some of the core requirements they are looking for, but I really don't know, they do want to create, or at least alter a position for me, so who knows...
Anyways. This is making me happy. The details are still coming, but I know I will be employed next year, I may not make a ton of money, but I will have benefits. I know I will like the organization a lot and that I will get to work with youth again and get out of the office. I know I will be breaking out, to some extent, from the white middle class bubble I am still living in despite making not enough money to be middle class and living in a city that is far more brown than white. I still need to figure out where I am going to live, but that will not be too hard and once I know what my salary will be, I can make that decision with more confidence.
I am happy. I hope they call back soon.....
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Connections in the Blogosphere
I spent a little time browsing other people's blogs today. Its so interesting to see into other people's worlds. It makes me feel so connected to people and makes me realize how connected we all are.
Here are some of the fun things I found and my reflections on them. I see in these little glimpses both the establishment of a beautiful new world and the decay and death of things we have outgrown.
I am amazed by people and theirSpiritual Journeys. I am especially impressed by the honest and pure way of seeking I have always seen in Asian cuture. China really is the future. But at the same time people of all faiths are searching and learning and coming closer all the time to God it their own ways.
I love languages. I couldn’t read a lot of the blogs I came across and that always leaves me feeling frustrated and separated from my global brothers and sisters, but this History of the Alphabet made me feel better. This is one world civilization and always has been. Recently though, the world has really changed. Some of it has been for the benefit of humankind, and some is just superfluous craziness. Either way, the evidence that “the world’s equilibrium has been upset” is amazingly clear.
I found some of Sjona’s and Stephen’s competitors and I can’t wait to try these recipies!
Joseph’s Kitchen
Hands in the Dough
I found something to feed my secret love of Anime which will be (I’m sure) much more indulged in some future time when I have good internet at home and a DVD player. (I’m not materialistic)
But mostly what I ran across was just glimpses of people. I heard a commentary by the guy who runs Craig’s on NPR not to long ago. He said he really people are inherently good and will do what they can to help someone out. I feel like in these sparks of life that people write down, they let us see through to their beauty. Through stories and art, special journeys or just daily life written down we get to see and learn the beauty of others.
Here are some of the fun things I found and my reflections on them. I see in these little glimpses both the establishment of a beautiful new world and the decay and death of things we have outgrown.
I am amazed by people and theirSpiritual Journeys. I am especially impressed by the honest and pure way of seeking I have always seen in Asian cuture. China really is the future. But at the same time people of all faiths are searching and learning and coming closer all the time to God it their own ways.
I love languages. I couldn’t read a lot of the blogs I came across and that always leaves me feeling frustrated and separated from my global brothers and sisters, but this History of the Alphabet made me feel better. This is one world civilization and always has been. Recently though, the world has really changed. Some of it has been for the benefit of humankind, and some is just superfluous craziness. Either way, the evidence that “the world’s equilibrium has been upset” is amazingly clear.
I found some of Sjona’s and Stephen’s competitors and I can’t wait to try these recipies!
Joseph’s Kitchen
Hands in the Dough
I found something to feed my secret love of Anime which will be (I’m sure) much more indulged in some future time when I have good internet at home and a DVD player. (I’m not materialistic)
But mostly what I ran across was just glimpses of people. I heard a commentary by the guy who runs Craig’s on NPR not to long ago. He said he really people are inherently good and will do what they can to help someone out. I feel like in these sparks of life that people write down, they let us see through to their beauty. Through stories and art, special journeys or just daily life written down we get to see and learn the beauty of others.
Children's Classes
I am reflecting this morning about the Ruhi book 3a course I took over the last three weekends and on children's classes in general in our community.
I think it has taken me a while to come to appriciate these classes, I know for the first few weeks I hardly planned and I was already getting tired of offering the classes and was looking for a way to give it away.
Really sitting back to think about children's classes these last three weekends gave me a chance to reflect on how difficult all new tasks are. I remember one of the first times I was asked to tutor an intensive; I was asked to go to Louhelen for two weekends (during the fast no less) and work with a group on book 4 that had pledged to finish the sequence by the end of the five year plan. I hated it. I didn't want to go back the second weekend. The people just sat that and quickly made thier way through the book and I could not figure out how to make them slow down and reflect and skill build.
God loves laughter. The next 4 or 5 study circles I tutored were all book 4. I learned it backwards and forwards. Even though I am now quite happy to take a brake and tutor other books, I have developed the confidence and skills I need to make a study circle or intensive meaningful and skills based.
I think children's classes are the same way. I have not had a whole lot of experience in teaching here and I was certainly not pouring my heart into it like I need to. I think with time and experience I will become an excellent children's class teacher and that as my skills grow, I will love the classes more and more, just like the kids will.
This is all fine and dandy for me, but where I am really happy about this thought is in the context of the community here. Right now not many people want to teach classes. We have over 100 trained book 3 resources, but none of them want to teach a class. Most are really scared and think it's not a job they have to do, it should be done by people with childcare experience. Mothers. Teachers. Not them. I think this will change as the community gains confidence. All they need is some encouraging experiences and they will then understand what the House of Justice is asking for and they will do it joyfully, and soon, skillfully.
I think it has taken me a while to come to appriciate these classes, I know for the first few weeks I hardly planned and I was already getting tired of offering the classes and was looking for a way to give it away.
Really sitting back to think about children's classes these last three weekends gave me a chance to reflect on how difficult all new tasks are. I remember one of the first times I was asked to tutor an intensive; I was asked to go to Louhelen for two weekends (during the fast no less) and work with a group on book 4 that had pledged to finish the sequence by the end of the five year plan. I hated it. I didn't want to go back the second weekend. The people just sat that and quickly made thier way through the book and I could not figure out how to make them slow down and reflect and skill build.
God loves laughter. The next 4 or 5 study circles I tutored were all book 4. I learned it backwards and forwards. Even though I am now quite happy to take a brake and tutor other books, I have developed the confidence and skills I need to make a study circle or intensive meaningful and skills based.
I think children's classes are the same way. I have not had a whole lot of experience in teaching here and I was certainly not pouring my heart into it like I need to. I think with time and experience I will become an excellent children's class teacher and that as my skills grow, I will love the classes more and more, just like the kids will.
This is all fine and dandy for me, but where I am really happy about this thought is in the context of the community here. Right now not many people want to teach classes. We have over 100 trained book 3 resources, but none of them want to teach a class. Most are really scared and think it's not a job they have to do, it should be done by people with childcare experience. Mothers. Teachers. Not them. I think this will change as the community gains confidence. All they need is some encouraging experiences and they will then understand what the House of Justice is asking for and they will do it joyfully, and soon, skillfully.
I found this picture on the myspace of someone from my home town. It made me happy, so I wanted to share it.
The Cow god, as many call it, is about the only thing in Cypress Inn TN. I don't mean the only thing of interest, I mean the only thing. There are a few houses scattered over a few miles, a church, a beer store that sells lotto tickets to people from Alabama, where it's illegal to sell them, a post office*, and the Cow god, standing alone in a field.
*the post office is a little cinderblock building that looks more like a storm shelter or root cellar than anything else. No one thought to include windows. It's in the front yard of the post master, who spends his days working on the tractor outside in the sun more of the time.
Love all.
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